Miscarriage

I really have begun to wonder about the wisdom of waiting to announce until you’re farther along.  Honestly, if the worry is that you might miscarry - you need support more than ever.  I recently experienced my first miscarriage in February 2015.  I have had six successful pregnancies previous to this miscarriage and I was only about 4 weeks along when it occurred.  I had just confided in my husband Sunday night that I was for sure pregnant a few days before.  We had been surprised, because this would mean that our two youngest would only be about 17 months apart and we generally space our kids closer to the two year mark, but we were both really excited.  It was fun imagining together what kind of big brother our current baby would be and how excited the other kids would be.  

That Wednesday, I strapped my 7 month old baby in my Moby wrap, loaded up my 2 and 4 year olds in the double stroller and walked to the park to meet our friends.  We had a wonderful visit and walked home a few hours later.  When I got home, I started bleeding.  I didn’t feel like I had lost the baby yet, but I knew things were not good.  I can’t explain exactly how I knew that I hadn’t miscarried yet, except for the feeling of connection with my unborn child.  I was only 4 weeks along, but I already felt that companionship, and while I knew I was bleeding, the feeling of companionship was still there, so I laid down on the couch and prayed and hoped.  

I spent the rest of the day resting and praying, but when the evening came, I was still bleeding.  In my Church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) we believe in the gift of healing and also in blessings of comfort.  I asked my husband (a holder of the Priesthood of God) to give me a blessing.  In the blessing, it was confirmed to me that I was pregnant, but that my Heavenly Father would strengthen me through this trial and I would be able to overcome.  It was not clear whether the baby would survive or not.  I continued to rest and pray, but I also continued to bleed.  

I don’t remember exactly at what point it happened, but I felt a tearing, not a physical tearing, but a spiritual tearing and the companionship I had experienced was gone.  I knew then that I had miscarried my baby.  I was unprepared for the intensity of my grief.  I had only been pregnant for 4 weeks.  It was almost the earliest most women can find out conclusively that they are pregnant, but it didn’t matter.  My grief was complete.  I can’t imagine feeling more at the loss of one of my grown children.  It was even more difficult because, besides my husband, I hadn’t told anyone - so there was no one to share my pain and ease my sorrow.  I finally did talk to my mother and two of my sisters.  It was so healing to share my grief.  

I think that it might be a mistake to wait to share news of pregnancy, but I have never shared that I was pregnant with others until I’ve completed the first trimester. In fact, I'm expecting again and I waited longer than I ever have before to tell even my children. I guess we are not always rational beings, but my heart has been forever touched.